The One That I Want
by Tracy-Lou
Summary: Ste goes to find Brendan in Dublin.
1. Part One

Disclaimer: I do not own these characters, they belong to Hollyoaks!

Summary: Ste goes to find Brendan in Dublin.

A/N: How could I not write this after the perfection of this week's episodes? I'm trying something a little different, first person narrative. Mostly Ste but some Brendan too. I'll probably do just the Dublin parts for this. I'm using direct lines from the episode as well and obviously take no claim on them. Also the title of this fic is inspired by that beautiful cover we got in the episode.

The One That I Want

I've never been the most decisive of people. Half the time I don't know what I want on my toast in the morning, so the idea of making this huge, life-changing decision sat heavily on my shoulders until Doug made it for me.

The thing was, when I got on to the plane, I knew that there really was no choice in the matter. Don't get me wrong, I loved Doug, I really did, but it was always gonna be Brendan wasn't it? I sat in my seat, my leg bouncing with excitement. Bloke next to me gave me a dirty look so I did it more to annoy him. It wasn't a long flight really but I was so jittery it felt like forever. I thought about the kids a lot and had frequent pangs of guilt; but then I figured once I got to Brendan I'd be able to go home, right? Except I didn't know what would happen with Brendan when I got there. The way we'd left things…

I tried to focus on the positive side. Cheryl had told Doug that he still loved me. If he was doing his whole martyr act I could easily change his mind, surely? I stared out the window into the clouds. I'd never been on a plane before. My mum wasn't exactly the holiday type and we could never afford it anyway. We went to Butlins once but I ran off and when Terry found me he gave me a black eye for my cheek. Story of my life, init?

When we landed I pulled out the name of the hotel Cheryl had slipped into my pocket when we'd said goodbye. I had to ask at the main desk for his room name. They weren't keen at first but it was a young girl at the counter and when I told her I was there to surprise my Irish boyfriend she got all gushy and let me off.

As I walked down the corridor my heart was beating almost painfully in my chest. I took a deep, shuddering breath as I approached the door, already feeling giddy with excitement. I hoped he would be happy to see me. When I knocked he certainly looked shocked. I yelped out "surprise!" without really thinking about it and pushed my way inside.

I should have known better really. I couldn't believe my eyes. _John Paul McQueen. _I felt sick to my stomach and tears sprang to my eyes. Brendan looked baffled as to why I was there. John Paul just looked baffled in general. There was a brief conversation where Brendan commented on everyone being gay but I didn't want to stick around for more. He tried to grab me on the way out but I was having none of it. I went straight back to the lift, not wanting him to see me cry.

He ran after me and we argued. I felt like such a fool, leaving my _husband_ to be with him. He eventually got the message and stepped back for the lift to close. Finally I let the tears fall.

Xxx

I ran down the stairs two at a time, somehow managing to pull my vest on in the process. My thoughts were all over the place. Steven. Steven was here. He'd come for _me. _

He came out of the lift and I could tell he'd been crying. My chest felt tight. I didn't know what to say to him to make it better.

"What do ye want from me, huh?"

He eventually stopped to talk to me. Something about whether the guy upstairs, the McQueen, was why he needed to stay away. It was a ridiculous concept. Did he not understand what he meant to me? Of course not, I'd made sure of that. Or at least I'd thought I did.

"Why can't we just be together?"

It pained me to hear that. I didn't know how to answer him until I saw the lady of God in front of me. That strengthened my resolve. I had to hurt him, with my words this time. Anything to make him give up, to give up on me. It was the last thing I wanted but what else could I do?

"Some people don't deserve a happy ending."

That much was true at least.

"You're scared, aren't you?"

His words cut like a knife. He was always so damn perceptive. He argued that it was because we could actually be together now and that scared me. But that wasn't it. I had to stay away, I had to, for his own sake. I upped my game; mentioned the American, the boys I could bed. It all tasted bitter in my mouth. I didn't want random fucks, I wanted _him. _I didn't want him to go back to Douglas, the thought sickened me. But it was all I could do to get the message to him.

"Fine. Fine. Fine."

He'd finally accepted it. He wasn't ashamed to cry in front of me, or maybe he couldn't help it. I could feel my own eyes moistening but I held it together.

"Well I'm gonna go now, to America, and you'll never have to see me ever again."

When I knew he was gone, that's when I let it overpower me.

Xxx

I walked down the streets of a place I didn't know or understand, bags still clasped in each hand. It was cold and there were people everywhere, preparing themselves for Christmas. I didn't want to go to America. It didn't feel right. Even if Brendan didn't want me, I knew deep down it wasn't right to go back to Doug. It wouldn't fill the hole in my heart.

I wondered what Brendan would be doing now. Would he go back to John Paul and carry on where they left off? It was ridiculous that the thought bothered me. I shouldn't care anymore but it was impossible. I remembered his words about a bridge and headed in the direction of one in the distance. I don't know what I was hoping for really. Some answers? I just needed time to think and it looked so beautiful up there. Perhaps I could stay here for a few days; but it seemed too optimistic. A small part of me hoped he would come after me, like he always did, and I hated myself for thinking it.

I glanced over and saw a couple, an actual happy couple, smiling at each other and everything, fiddling with a lock on the bridge. It made me ache with longing. I watched them walk past me and felt something stir. There he was, looking at me. I turned away but already my heart was beginning to pound.

"They're called love locks," he said. "If ye love somebody ye write both yer names on a padlock and throw the key into the river. Ye weren't thinking of doing one, were ye?"

Was he mocking me?

"Don't flatter yourself!" I bit back, but my heart wasn't really in it. Just the feeling of him behind me was making my skin tingle. I heard him approach me, I could feel him, practically _smell_ him.

"I didn't think I was gonna see ye again."

"Thought that's what you wanted."

"It's not."

"So what _do_ you want?" I didn't understand him.

His expression was unguarded, like he was desperately trying to tell me something. A small, treacherous voice in my mind told me it was _me _he wanted, but I didn't dare listen to it.

I didn't let him answer in the end. I couldn't bear any more disappointment. "In fact forget it. I'm not going through this again-"

"Steven-"

"I'm not having you mess me around anymore, right? I've given up everything for you. Right, I've let me kids down. I'm supposed to be with them right now starting a new life in America with a guy that actually loves me. But instead I come over here for you and find you in bed with another man."

"I never said I was a monk, Steven."

"'I never said I was a-' who do you think you are, eh? Is that the best you can come up with? I can't believe I thought you'd changed. You know, I thought I'd get over here, and things would be different this time. But it's not, is it? You are never gonna change so goodbye, Brendan."

I stormed away. The tears were stinging my cheeks along with the wind. I wanted to get as far away from there as possible. But then he spoke.

"I didn't think ye were gonna make it." I paused, heart in my throat. "After the accident, I thought ye were gonna die."

He looked like he needed to say more. I kept deadly still.

"I promised God that if ye pulled through, I'd stay away."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

"What, did you think God was just gonna strike you down with lightening? What century do you live in? Right, you're not normal!"

He smiled at that. "I couldn't of lost ye, Steven." He swallowed, the tears in his eyes mirroring my own. "Even if that meant never seeing ye again. I… I couldn't of lost ye."

He looked genuine. I remembered the last time I'd seen him like this, laying himself on the line. That first time he'd told me he loved me. I'd thought then we were unbreakable, that this was it, this was our time. But now I knew I was wrong. _This _was it. _This _was our time. Maybe.

"So why didn't you tell me then?" I was still angry. If he'd told me sooner I could have knocked some sense into him.

"I just want the best for ye. Always have."

I could hardly take in what he was saying. I had to ask. It blurted out of me without any control on my part.

"Why are you here?"

And that was when it all changed.

"'Cos I love ye." I stared at him in disbelief, a single tear rolling down my face. My heart was swelling with joy and fear. I couldn't lose him after this, not like before. "'Cos I can't live my life without ye. I love ye, Steven."

I was speechless for several beats. My next words came straight from the pit of my stomach, the words that had always been a part of me I'd never dared to express again. Because saying them broke the spell. They made the both of us open to hurt and heartbreak and to say them now would be to seal my own fate. To admit that I was ready to try again, to be with the one I wanted, was the ultimate leap of faith. But I was gonna take it, no matter the consequences.

"I love you too." The relief was immense. He stepped closer and I knew what he was gonna ask before he said. Except he didn't ask, and that was Brendan all over. I loved him for it.

"I'm gonna kiss ye now. Come here." It wasn't like before, when he'd wanted a piece of me only he could claim. Now he wanted all of me; no games, no fear, just the two of us. How it should have always been.

I found myself smiling as I dropped my bags to the floor. He reached for me immediately, snaking his hand at the back of my neck and drawing me close. I felt his hand on my chest and then my face. He was kissing me with such tenderness I could hardly breathe. I placed my hands at the back of his head, making the kiss deeper, more passionate. His hand found my waist and it was like an electric current ran through us. I would never tire of this, never.

When we finally broke apart neither of us could stop smiling. My face hurt with the effort of it; I wasn't used to being this happy and neither was he. He grabbed one of my bags and I took the other, and then I took his arm because this was really _it_. He was mine, finally. And I was never gonna let him go.


	2. Part Two

Part Two

When I woke up the next morning the bed was empty. I had a moment's panic wondering where he was and then he appeared with coffee and breakfast. He must have seen the unease in my expression because he quipped how I couldn't get rid of him that easy. I was glad, and the relief that flooded through me made me even more aware of how happy I was.

I smiled at him, relaxed and content.

"Am I dreaming?" I asked, still sleepy.

"Never had breakfast in bed?"

I had, several times. But not like this, not with _him. _

"Not on about the breakfast." I said honestly. I'd never believed we could have this together. I felt warm and tingly all over at the thought that we could have this every morning.

"Really?" He smirked, taking out a piece of toast and eating it messily. I smiled at him, my _boyfriend_, and reached out to wipe the crumbs from his moustache.

Just as he was asking me what I wanted to do that day, my phone went off again. Leanne. I sighed, telling him how guilty I felt about the kids. He was immediately organised, talking about booking a flight home. I was relieved and only slightly disappointed we couldn't stay here for longer. After all, wherever we went would be special, and the thought of taking him home with me was overwhelming.

"Yes, we. In the meantime I'm gonna show ye the sights…" He climbed on top of me, straddling me. I couldn't keep the smile off my face. "My sights." he crooned.

"Sounds promising."

"Doesn't it?" He murmured. "Anything ye wanna see?" he added, leaning down to kiss me softly, our lips making a delicious sound as they met. "Or try?" he kissed me again, longer this time. "I'm yer man."

Those words in particular sent a delighted thrill through me.

"Whatever the pleasure."

I began to feel my cock stiffening again. Last night had been wonderful. Bren had even ran me a bath afterwards to make sure I wasn't sore for today. The idea that we could have a round two, or three, was more than I'd ever hoped for.

He kissed me like he had in my dreams for the past year. Soft at first but then more demanding. His tongue slipped inside and brushed against my bottom lip. I broke the kiss, breathing him in. I was teasing him but I had to tell him what I wanted first before we… you know.

"Guinness." I said, smiling.

"Guinness?" He repeated, tilting his head to the side.

"I've never tried it." I shrugged, rolling my hips against him.

"Do we have to go right now?" He asked, amused.

"Don't you dare." I breathed, pushing myself up onto my elbows and kissing him again. His hands immediately went to my face, cradling it. Our kisses got more ferocious and our hands more invading. I pulled his vest off hastily and threw the covers to the side. He drunk in the sight of me and my lack of shame.

"Keen, aren't we?" He drawled, pulling my bottom lip between his teeth.

"Fuck you, I've waited long enough." I keened, pushing my body up to rub tantalisingly against his own. I felt him shiver against me, giving himself away.

"Steven…" he groaned, his lips attaching themselves to my throat.

"What are you gonna do to me?" I asked, my voice shaky with need.

"Ye want me to tell ye?" Brendan looked at me carefully, his eyes half-lidded.

"Yes."

He considered this for a moment, his hands still all over me, not giving me a chance to catch my breath.

"I'm gonna kiss every inch of skin…" he said eventually, and proceeded to kiss down my neck to my collarbone, to my chest, swirling his tongue across my erect nipples with ease.

"Go on…" I prompted, closing my eyes.

"No, look at me first." He demanded. For a moment I saw a flash of something else, of desperation. I broke out of the moment and clung to him, my arms around his neck. After a moment's beat he lowered me carefully back down onto the bed and resumed his examination of my body.

"I'm gonna touch ye here…" he said, his voice low. He cupped his hand beneath my buttocks and squeezed lightly. "And here…" his finger swept past my entry. I gasped at the contact. I knew the skin there was puckered pink with a tinge of redness from the night before. I hadn't wanted things slow last night. Brendan pulled something off of the bedside cabinet and pumped the lubricant onto his fingertips.

He stroked me lightly, giving me time to adjust. I rotated my hips, my breathing already becoming laboured with the contact. He pushed the tip of his finger inside and circled until I was comfortable. I tightened around him as the whole finger went in but relaxed when he kissed me. Last night I'd been gagging for it and hadn't thought of the logistics. Today however I was more cautious. I hadn't been topped since… well, a long time. I think Brendan sensed this and took more care than he usually needed to. By the time the second finger was entered I was more relaxed. By the third I was practically gagging for it. He smiled at me, brushing the few strands of hair away from my forehead.

"Ye are a beautiful disgrace." He whispered, and I felt my entire body flush.

He shifted our positions momentarily so he could remove his trousers. Seeing his erect cock in my direct line of vision was almost enough to tip me over the edge. The dark patch of hairs attracted my attention as I brushed my fingertips over them, feeling the coarseness and remembering how it had left red marks on my skin last night.

"Like what ye see?" He murmured, lowering himself and pushing my legs back. I rolled my hips up to meet his hands. It was so natural he didn't even need to ask, like we'd never been apart. He pushed my legs open and grabbed a condom from the drawer. I took his wrist as he was about to put it on.

"Let me." I said, and held his gaze as I did so. For some reason that made him even more aroused. I could see the dark desire in his eyes and it thrilled me to know he was going to possess me momentarily. I dropped my hand, allowing it to flop onto my stomach. He pulled my legs closer and positioned himself, ducking his head and catching my gaze.

"Ready?"

I nodded, swallowing thickly. He penetrated me slowly, almost too slowly. I gyrated my hips, already craving the friction. When he had filled me completely he began to gently thrust, keeping a grip on my knees to hold me in place.

I pulled his head and shoulders down towards me, wanting to taste him as he fucked me. Our gasps intermingled and I felt my eyes rolling back into my head. Remembering his earlier request I adjusted so my eyes were fixated on his.

"Fuck, Steven…" he gasped. "So fucking tight."

"I can't help it." I breathed, and bucked my hips a little to his thrusts. "Do you want me to…?" I left the question unanswered when he didn't respond, and grabbed myself in my hand. I worked my cock to his rhythm and felt my body tingling with wild abandon.

"Don't hold back." Brendan murmured against my lips.

I let out a breathless cry. It felt so good to be screaming again, and to be screaming his name in particular. My other hand was so tight around his arm it left marks. Neither of us cared. I felt Brendan bite lightly into my flesh, making me shudder.

"Ye gonna come for me, Steven?" He breathed, picking up the pace.

"You first." I demanded, clenching my buttocks. Brendan groaned, burying his head in my neck and licking the sweat there. A few more thrusts and he was gone, riding out his orgasm like he'd never had one before. He pulled out as gently as he could and before I could catch my breath he took me into his mouth. He was swift and merciless as he worked me, his tongue lapping in all the right places, the spit creating a natural lubricant that gave him the friction to work me with his hand as well as his mouth. I was coming in moments, straight down his throat.

We both collapsed onto the bed afterwards, breathing heavily. We grinned at each other like two schoolboys and Brendan stroked my leg absently.

"Fancy that pint now?" He asked, cocking an eyebrow.

Xxx

"I should have got ye a dainty little half glass." He teased me.

"Shut up!" I said, taking a sip. The bitter taste was repulsive. I tried to hide my distaste but Brendan could read me like a book. He smiled, satisfied and began teasing me about what else I wanted to do in Dublin, all tourist-y stuff. Well I _was _a tourist.

"It's rank that, init?" I eventually admitted, scrunching my face up. He smiled again, more delighted this time.

"It's an acquired taste."

I changed the subject, asking him if the pub was his local. He said everywhere was. I could see the whimsical look in his eye.

"Aw, bet you got a memory round every corner, ain't ya?"

He smiled again, looking thoughtful. "Yeah. Yeah, I guess I do."

I reached for my pint but without warning he took it off me, pouring it away.

"What you doing?"

"It's not for you." He answered, matter-of-fact.

"I might have got to like that." I protested.

"We're wasting time, come on." he said, and jumped out of his seat. I was forever following this man.

I asked where we were going and he told me he was going to show me where he grew up.

I talked his ear off most of the way. I was proper excited though to be out of Chester. He listened with an almost amused resignation. I felt him grab my wrist and I smiled apologetically when I realised I'd almost walked out in front of another bus. He smiled back, loving and affectionate. He patted my back to get me to move. I noticed how he kept touching me as though to reassure himself I was still there. Like I was planning on going anywhere now.

It really was beautiful as we walked along by the sea. I kept pointing things out to him, silly things, and he just listened. I pretended to push him over the edge at one point, making him jump. I laughed like it was the funniest thing in the world, and he laughed at me, mimicking my ridiculous laugh. It was so easy to be like this. I could tease him and be unafraid.

We sat on the edge, not quite touching. He looked thoughtful. He started to tell me how he used to go there with the boys. I could only assume he meant his friends as a kid.

"Doing what?" I asked.

"Nothing, to be honest. Nothing." He replied and I understood. Back then there wasn't the same kind of distractions as today. You could just sit with your mates, mess around, maybe drink a few ciders and it was easy. I hadn't had many friends growing up but even I had experienced that.

I started to imagine Brendan as a kid, and told him how the moustache made an appearance in my thoughts. It was always a part of him, I couldn't imagine it not being there. He found this deeply amusing. He continued with his story then, about how he'd jumped off once. I told him he was an idiot. He smiled but then I saw the shift in his thoughts. He mentioned his father, Seamus, and his expression darkened. I didn't know much about him, except for what Brendan had told me at the police station that one time.

We fell into a silence and I could feel the tension hanging in the air. I wanted to break the spell, break whatever hold Seamus had on my Brendan's thoughts.

"Well he's not here now, is he?" I reasoned. And it was true. We were untouchable. "So you can hold my hand if you want. I mean he can't see us." I added that last part a little hopefully. It was all I'd ever wanted really. But Brendan still seemed unsure and I didn't want to push it, not if he wasn't ready.

"Ye think I don't want that, Steven?" He asked, disarming me.

"Well, what's stopping you then?" I asked cautiously. He looked troubled and turned away, unsure. I decided not to push things. I brushed my hand against his and then began to stand up.

"Where ye going?"

"Come on, we don't have long left." I said. I checked my wrist but I rarely wore a watch. He smiled, relieved and apologetic.

Xxx

We walked down the street, I looked around me wondering where we were heading now.

"Last stop, Steven." Brendan said suddenly. I turned towards where he was looking. "My dad's pub."

He tapped my back again, urging me on. I followed him, just like I always did. But before we'd even stepped inside I felt uneasy.

When we got in there I was immediately hit with a musky sort of smell. There was dust everywhere. I commented how it looked like no one had been there for ages, which was a bit of an understatement.

"Right, come on it's just a shell, can we go now?" I felt immediately uneasy. I didn't like the affect this place was already having on Brendan.

He started to tell me about the job his dad had given him there when he was fourteen, collecting glasses.

"Five years of being called a fairy and daddy's little girl, getting a job here was like the holy grail."

His words chilled me but I let him continue.

"Meant I was finally worth something." I wanted to comfort him somehow but I didn't want to startle him. He began telling me about his dad's 'cronies' and a dark thought entered my head, for reasons I couldn't fathom. I brushed it aside but it lingered throughout his story.

I moved away from him to step into the light. It was so dark in here, so wrong. I didn't want Brendan to become trapped here. The idea of him being trapped anywhere without me frightened me. It began to dawn on me how much he needed me really. The thought was both terrifying and wonderful.

He continued his story, a horrifying tale of being sick on whiskey and jeered by his dad's friends. I could see him becoming absorbed, lost to himself. It scared me. I wanted to pull him back, get out of this place. When he asked me a direct question I took the chance to ask him if we could go now, please, but he brushed it aside.

He told me how he ran to the toilets, sick everywhere, how his dad called him 'Brenda'. He started chanting it to himself, reinforcing his dad's words. It was absolutely terrifying. I wasn't scared of Brendan, I was scared of losing him. Losing him to that dark place where I couldn't reach him. Without even having to think about it, I blurted out the only thing to draw him back to me.

"Doesn't matter anymore though, does it?" He paused, turning towards me. "Right, all that's left of the past now is just dust. Look." I started brushing dust off of the counter. "Yeah? Just breaks away. Can't hurt you anymore, watch." I threw a glass at the wall, heard the satisfied smash as it broke into pieces. Brendan watched me in fascination. "See?"

He looked at me and slowly began to smile. It was a beautiful sight after the darkness of the moment before. He followed my line of thinking, throwing a bar stool against the wall, making sure I wasn't in the vicinity. We both starting throwing whatever we could get our hands on. It was a brilliant release, for both of us. Eventually we turned and instinctively grabbed each other, kissing like there was no tomorrow.

Our clothes became a barrier so we shed them. We caused more destruction in the wake of our bodies. Thrashing, pulling, tearing. I found myself on the floor, Brendan grabbing my hips and holding on for dear life. I'd never experienced anything like it. We clung together, naked and sweaty like we were each other's lifelines. I suppose we were.

Afterwards we both looked a little proud of ourselves. Before we redressed Brendan kissed me hard on the mouth. He looked exulted, triumphant. But it wasn't like he'd won, more like he'd gained something he hadn't thought was possible. We shared a smile as we redressed, taking residence once more on the floor. I'd be finding dust in my butt for days afterwards.

"Hey," he said softly, gaining my attention. "Time to go home."

The way he said it, _home_, like it was somewhere we both had a share in. It had never felt that way before and the possibilities opened up to me before my eyes. He offered his hand and I took it. We walked right out of that place and never looked back. It was just us now, and that was more than I ever could have dreamed of.


End file.
